I’m not a blogger so this post doesn’t even need to be about anything

^^^ Ya you read that title. So here’s a list of things. I’m not even putting a picture.

  1. Natalie Jean just blogged again after a year away, and it’s everything I wanted it to be for her first post back.
  2. I decided that I’m going to buy myself a bathrobe when I move into my new apartment in KC. Because somehow a bathrobe seems like a token of adulthood? Or at least a token of adulthood living in an apartment on your own? Or at least a token of some form of luxury? So ya, bathrobe.
  3. I’ve spent 3 months being sad and sentimental and nostalgic for Utah, and I think I’m done being sad and I just want to move already.
  4. I went to a concert the other night and I decided that I would definitely be okay with dating someone in a band. Long hair, artistic flair, some well-placed tattoos…yeah I promise I’m not kidding, I’d be wayyyy into that. Ok maybe not the leather pants. But all the rest of it, where do I sign up??? Anyone know any temple-worthy kids who check off the “rockstar” box?
  5. Dan Mace on Casey Neistat’s vlogs these days MAKES MY LIFE SO HAPPY. Like, can I order one of him to bring to KC with me to be my friend before I make friends haha? [watch THIS ONE and THIS ONE especially]
  6. Whaaaaat do I even want this blog to be? Do I want it to be anything? Do I need it to be anything?

That’s all! K bye!

 

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things I spent too much time on today

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  1. looking at the effortlessly cool Instagram feeds of women working in the ad industry in NYC and killing it at life.
  2. the app “Hyperspektiv” … solidly the best $0.99 I’ve spent all day. but I’m also easily entertained. basically there are about 20 different interactive filters that you can use to distort your photos or videos so you can live our your dreams of being artsy. [AM I AN ART DIRECTOR YET???]
  3. getting the perfect text placement and color for my IG story about how cool Hyperspektiv is.

so basically I need to get off the internet hahaha.

what I needed it to be

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Tonight Aubrey and I went and got soda, and I told her all about visiting KC this past weekend for the first time. Then she said something along the lines of, “I’m so glad it’s everything you wanted and needed it to be.”

The last part of that sentence was so spot on— everything I needed it to be.

Moving to Kansas City was in no way part of my plan. It was NYC or die trying. But things fell into place so gracefully and suddenly KC became my plan. And I’m so grateful it did, because it’s definitely the right thing. But at the same time, I think I’ve needed some confirmation that KC is a place where I can really grow, and flourish (haha, to use the term from my positive psych class), and live, because it’s most definitely not NYC.

And yeah, (thankfully!) this past weekend was everything I needed it to be. KC is freaking rad. It has a vibe, it has cool people, it’s a legit city, it has cool architecture, it has art, it has good food, it has lots of trees and lots of green, it’s not completely flat (ha, the ignorance of someone raised in the west), and I can already tell it’s the kind of hidden gem that I live for.

So lately I’m grateful for a God with a plan that is greater than my own agenda, and also for tender mercies like a skyline and cool graffiti.

a graduate!

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I graduated today. yayyy!

I’m a sentimental person anyway, and endings make me especially sentimental. Without getting too long-winded, here are some thoughts I’ve had over the past few days. [and listen to THIS SONG if you want extra-sentimental vibes]

When I walked home on Monday after taking my last final ever, I passed a party at an apartment complex, and I felt suddenly like an outsider. It was almost the same exact feeling that I remember having while walking back to my apartment from freshman orientation the first night after I moved to Provo. Like I’m not quite a part of this life that everyone else is living. Super weird. In that moment on Monday I was so glad that I’m choosing to move, rather than staying where it feels comfortable.

Also, who even was I as a freshman haha? That person feels so foreign to me…I don’t even remember what I thought about or aspired to or anything. I’m so grateful for change and increased ambition.

And finally, I’m grateful for BYU. These past 4 years I’ve learned so much about myself, and about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and about the beauty of people, and about the richness that knowledge brings to life. BYU has given more than I ever expected it would, and in completely different ways than I anticipated.

Cheers to endings and beginnings!

just over here trying to avoid cognitive dissonance…

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I just spent some time scrolling through my September New York City trip post (ha, the one that I posted back in February…about my trip that was in September…).

The thing that makes me really sad about not moving to NYC is that New York City is most definitely, perfectly and decidedly me. I look at the picture of myself with Fearless Girl and the couple of me in Central Park, and that’s me. And looking at my photos from the High Line, and of the skyline, and at the Yankees game and they all make me feel freaking alive because I know that NYC is my place. It’s a physical embodiment of my determination and my love of humanity and so many other things that are just me.

And I don’t know this for sure—maybe I’ll prove myself wrong—but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to walk around downtown Kansas City and feel that. At least not for a long time. I think Kansas City is going to be an incredible place to live and explore in, but I don’t know if it is decidedly me. (Insert frantic 3am nightmares of being stuck in Kansas City* for eternity with a fragmented identity…it hasn’t happened yet, but I’m waiting for the day hahaha.)

I look at that girl in those September New York pictures and remember how right it felt to be there. Recently I feel like I keep having consecutive identity crises. Well, okay, back up. I know who I am right now more than I have at any other time in my life. I’m so, so grateful for that. But I think the emotional me has grown at a different pace than the social me. Lately I keep feeling this need to be all of the full, daring, strong person that I’ve grown into with everyone that I interact with, but then I hit a wall and something says to me, You’ve never been that person. You don’t know how to be that person—not in any place outside of your head. Which of course is crazy negative self-talk, but sometimes it happens and what do you do?

The Tess in those NYC pictures is the Tess at the beginning of a crazy and rewarding journey of finding myself that’s taken place over the past 7 months. It’s been 7 months of showing myself what I want out of life, and showing myself that I am capable, and focusing myself on the things and people that bring the most meaning to my life.

The possibility of living in NYC felt like it could have been the beginning of the process of leveling out the emotional growth and the social growth, since I would have been living in a physical environment that so clearly matched that emotional growth. I feel like changing my environment in that way (going from Provo to NYC) would have been the perfect jumpstart to figuring out a way around that wall that keeps coming up so often these days.

I think I can do it in KC too, but it’s weird to me to not have any idea of what life is going to feel like there. I know what Provo life feels like. I know what NYC life would probably feel like. But I have zero idea of what KC life will feel like—and that’s freaking me out a little. I’m terrified of stagnation and of not finding the courage to be my authentic self.

I feel like I’ve hit on seven different topics in this post haha, but it’s chill. Basically, the process of finding yourself is hard, but the process of learning to actually live that person and to live unapologetically is even harder.

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*side-note: I am VERY VERY VERY excited to move to Kansas City, and to be working at VML. I am so grateful to be starting my career at such an incredible agency, and Kansas City does seem like a killer place. It was so clear to me that this opportunity was the one that I needed to take, so no regrets here! :)