june

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(written a couple weeks ago, when it was actually June)

Do you ever have a 5-second moment where you have a memory of a period of life that’s so vivid and sensory? Where you feel all that time of life was?

I keep having flashbacks to months ago, when I had no idea what life in June would feel like. Zero. I had some thoughts, and some hopes for what it would feel like, but really no idea.

I remember getting a fresh order of contacts back in the winter. I wear daily disposable contacts, so I got (I think) a 9-month supply. I also have a different prescription for each eye, so when I get a new order I like to open up all the little boxes and pair the right eye with the left so I can just grab a set when I need them. I distinctly remember sitting cross-legged on my bed at my house back in Provo, pairing my contacts together, and thinking about how some of these contacts were going to be experiencing life on my eyes in June, and how I had no idea what the life with those June contacts would be like.

And now it’s June. Almost July, actually.

I also vividly remember the morning of my interview with the agency that I’m at right now. (Lol, if any of my coworkers ever end up reading this, YES, this is a sentimental human you get to work with hahaha.) I skipped my stats class so I could take the call at my house, without anyone around, since all my roommates would be gone for the day by then.

My confident interview outfit consisted of my green Tweety bird sweatshirt and black leggings, with curled hair (RIP my all-over platinum blonde…give me 2 more weeks and you’ll be back!) and multiple rings on my fingers (because rings make me feel legit, idk why???). [blessings of a phone interview: being able to wear leggings and a sweatshirt. Also being able to talk with my hands as much as I possibly wanted to because no one could see me.]

And even back then, in February, I had no idea what June would feel like. Would June be in Kansas City? Or New York? Or LA? Or somewhere else entirely?

And then in March, Kansas City became a reality. So that’s what June would feel like.

It’s surreal now, sitting in June, almost in July, to think back on those days in the winter that were characterized by a lot of poignant emotions—uncertainty, hope, restlessness, the feeling of being on the edge of something mysterious that you know is going to define you in a way that nothing else ever has.

Being here was nowhere on my list of options 6 months ago. Nowhere on my radar at all. But I’m so grateful for the series of events and doors opening that led me here, because this place and this situation is perfect for me in a way that I would have never anticipated.

Life in June is really, really good. Also hard, and a learning process, but still really, really good.

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the first days

the first few days here all felt a little foggy. I think part of that is because a 16-hour drive through Nebraska is enough to make anyone feel off, and the other part of it was transition overload. the stark reality of what I’d just done (leaving everything and everyone to move to a place where I knew nothing) was sinking in, and all the emotions felt blurry.

so if you ever move somewhere by yourself, give yourself 7 days where you might feel like you’re floating (not in the good way haha. kind of like you just took NyQuil.), but then I promise it’ll go away! and soon enough you’ll have a real mattress and a couch and a schedule and life will feel like life again.

[also, if you ever have to drive 16 hours through Nebraska, I highly recommend bringing your cool best friend. Aubrey saved my sanity.]

but foggy as they were,  here’s what those first days consisted of (mostly for posterity’s sake):

– pizza on the floor. because what else do you do when you move into a new apartment?

– an air mattress on the floor.

– IKEA. In which I disrupted the flow of traffic at least twice and got in people’s way at least twice. But I left with a plant named Hugo and a sheepskin rug (actually idk what animal it’s supposed to be) that I named but later forgot what I named it, among other things, so it was a decently successful trip.

– Grimaldi’s. BLESSINGS that Grimaldi’s has a random KC location. Like, who just puts a Grimaldi’s in Kansas City???

– a rooftop. leave it to me and Aubrey to find a hotel rooftop deck with nobody on it.

– some tears.

– a really sad goodbye.

but even through the weird life-fog those first few days, being here still felt comfortable, and pretty okay, which was a blessing.

moral of the story: moving somewhere totally new by yourself is a weird experience. weird feelings. but get yourself some pizza and some patience with life, and then give yourself a few days and it gets better.

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peaking???

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^^^the first time I saw KC properly in front of me, a couple weeks ago

Shoot, I haven’t been sentimental for the past couple weeks, but then I started listening to my mood music playlist at the end of work the other day. Freeeak, that did it. The life that I’ve built here—it’s a good one. I’m in a mild limbo where it’s too soon to really start packing, but I feel like I need to do something that gives me physical evidence of transition. Except for the 20 minute periods here and there like when I turned on my mood music at work and then all of a sudden it’s like, “noooooope, not packing, we’re not going anywhere!” and I feel like the kid in Walmart who just wants to hang out in the toy aisle and never leave. It’s weird to just be leaving all of it. I’m not just going away for a cute summer break internship. Nope, this is it. Provo holds so many people that have made me laugh and inspired me and pricked my emotions here and there and listened to me and brought me a richness that I never expected to find in college. Yeah I hoped and figured it would be good…but not this good.

Right now I have my people. I have people I can call when I need a ride to pick up my car from the shop, or when I need to talk something out, or when I need someone to eat the cheesecake I made just for fun. And hopefully those people feel the same way about me. But having people is a luxury I won’t have, at least for a little while, when I move to KC.

And beyond people, actually none of this life is going to be the same. Kinda scary, mostly exciting, but also scary at the same time. But progression is a thing. And most of the time I’m very ready to move on. But then other times…shoot, I just have so much here and it’s hard to get my brain to imagine a life with this much fulness anywhere else. But I’m sure it’s possible. (hahaha heck, it better be possible or else the rest of life is going to be a little rough. like, this better not be the peak!)

But any way you look at it, it’s a blessing to have so much here.

I’m not a blogger so this post doesn’t even need to be about anything

^^^ Ya you read that title. So here’s a list of things. I’m not even putting a picture.

  1. Natalie Jean just blogged again after a year away, and it’s everything I wanted it to be for her first post back.
  2. I decided that I’m going to buy myself a bathrobe when I move into my new apartment in KC. Because somehow a bathrobe seems like a token of adulthood? Or at least a token of adulthood living in an apartment on your own? Or at least a token of some form of luxury? So ya, bathrobe.
  3. I’ve spent 3 months being sad and sentimental and nostalgic for Utah, and I think I’m done being sad and I just want to move already.
  4. I went to a concert the other night and I decided that I would definitely be okay with dating someone in a band. Long hair, artistic flair, some well-placed tattoos…yeah I promise I’m not kidding, I’d be wayyyy into that. Ok maybe not the leather pants. But all the rest of it, where do I sign up??? Anyone know any temple-worthy kids who check off the “rockstar” box?
  5. Dan Mace on Casey Neistat’s vlogs these days MAKES MY LIFE SO HAPPY. Like, can I order one of him to bring to KC with me to be my friend before I make friends haha? [watch THIS ONE and THIS ONE especially]
  6. Whaaaaat do I even want this blog to be? Do I want it to be anything? Do I need it to be anything?

That’s all! K bye!

 

what I needed it to be

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Tonight Aubrey and I went and got soda, and I told her all about visiting KC this past weekend for the first time. Then she said something along the lines of, “I’m so glad it’s everything you wanted and needed it to be.”

The last part of that sentence was so spot on— everything I needed it to be.

Moving to Kansas City was in no way part of my plan. It was NYC or die trying. But things fell into place so gracefully and suddenly KC became my plan. And I’m so grateful it did, because it’s definitely the right thing. But at the same time, I think I’ve needed some confirmation that KC is a place where I can really grow, and flourish (haha, to use the term from my positive psych class), and live, because it’s most definitely not NYC.

And yeah, (thankfully!) this past weekend was everything I needed it to be. KC is freaking rad. It has a vibe, it has cool people, it’s a legit city, it has cool architecture, it has art, it has good food, it has lots of trees and lots of green, it’s not completely flat (ha, the ignorance of someone raised in the west), and I can already tell it’s the kind of hidden gem that I live for.

So lately I’m grateful for a God with a plan that is greater than my own agenda, and also for tender mercies like a skyline and cool graffiti.