tonight I sat and watched the sunset—for probably the first time since moving to Kansas City. I’ve seen lots of sunsets obviously, but as far as I can remember I had yet to just sit and watch one until tonight.
which feels significant.
I watched sunsets on a regular basis when I lived in Utah— at the Y parking lot, on the mountainside in Lindon, from the window of my house, at Slate Canyon eating fresh Pillsbury biscuits, sometimes with people, sometimes by myself.
since moving here, I think I’ve been hesitant to breathe. I spent those first summer months tense, a little on the defensive, because adjusting was hard and it always felt a little bit like the world was out to get me. during the fall it was better— I eased in more and started letting myself gradually crack open. and during these last couple winter months it’s been even better. but the whole process has been one of telling myself that this is home.
watching the sunset tonight, I thought about the life I’m carving out here. how it’s a good life, but also a life that isn’t a final destination, which makes it harder to rest in. but I think teaching myself to rest in it is what I really need right now. even if Missouri is a stepping stone, learning to go deep and be present with all that is good here feels needed. sometimes even when you’re in a really good place, easing in takes a lot of time and a lot of emotions, but I’m learning to be okay with that.
this first sunset tonight was a moment of easing, and breathing. hopefully there will be many more in the future.
^^^ Prospero’s bookstore the other night (a new favorite place in KC!)
things are interesting. it’s been weird not going back to school with everyone else that’s back in Utah. not as weird as I thought it was going to be, but still weird. sometimes I get major FOMO for all the cool things I hear about going on back in Provo.
it’s also weird being in a phase that, for the first time in my life, doesn’t really have a concrete end date. I don’t have an end date for living in Kansas City, I don’t have an end date for being an unmarried person, I don’t have an end date for…really anything. life feels different knowing that at this point any serious progression or movement is really up to me.
but! overwhelmingly, life is a good place to be. I really, really love it here. there are so many things for me to learn in every single section of my life, and I’m excited to see how everything plays out.
^^^ Ya you read that title. So here’s a list of things. I’m not even putting a picture.
Natalie Jean just blogged again after a year away, and it’s everything I wanted it to be for her first post back.
I decided that I’m going to buy myself a bathrobe when I move into my new apartment in KC. Because somehow a bathrobe seems like a token of adulthood? Or at least a token of adulthood living in an apartment on your own? Or at least a token of some form of luxury? So ya, bathrobe.
I’ve spent 3 months being sad and sentimental and nostalgic for Utah, and I think I’m done being sad and I just want to move already.
I went to a concert the other night and I decided that I would definitely be okay with dating someone in a band. Long hair, artistic flair, some well-placed tattoos…yeah I promise I’m not kidding, I’d be wayyyy into that. Ok maybe not the leather pants. But all the rest of it, where do I sign up??? Anyone know any temple-worthy kids who check off the “rockstar” box?
Dan Mace on Casey Neistat’s vlogs these days MAKES MY LIFE SO HAPPY. Like, can I order one of him to bring to KC with me to be my friend before I make friends haha? [watch THIS ONE and THIS ONE especially]
Whaaaaat do I even want this blog to be? Do I want it to be anything? Do I need it to be anything?
1. sunshine
2. warm weather
3. almost March
4. great outfit
5. great boots
6. great jeans
7. cooperative hair
8. eyebrows
9. cooperative makeup
10. Mikelle brought me Swig
11. substantial food for lunch
12. there are actually other students here at work today, so I’m not just the lonesome little secretary surrounded by real adults
13. no class after work
14. it’s Friday!
15. I actually feel like being social today, which is way good, since I have to be social tonight, and feeling un-social is usually my typical daily mood {#introvertprobs}
16. I get to talk to Caroline Beth after work today
17. I actually have stuff to do at work
18. gym this morning
19. killer leg workout
20. seeing one attractive person at the gym today
21. seeing another attractive person at the gym also
22. everything bagel with cream cheese for breakfast
23. all the attractive men in the world were out and about on campus today {are you picking up on the common theme yet?}
24. optimism about the future…despite the despair that marriage prep class brings to me haha
25. the Tanner Building…enough said.
26. seeing people I know on campus
27. good music on the radio
28. talking to myself in the van
29. peanut butter
30. ice skating tonight
31. the Econ test is over! {at least until the next one…}
32. attractive Econ TA
33. Mikelle Beth Taylor is at work today!!!
34. water is always good
35. New York City exists in the world
36. reading through my blog archives and realizing that I actually had some deep stuff to say 2 years ago. I miss substantial writing. if you need something thought-provoking to read, my 18 year-old self had some good thoughts in this post {actually I think I was 17 when I wrote that one} and this post and this post.
37. I’m publishing a blog post!!! Which really does warrant ridiculous amounts of celebration. Let’s eat some oatmeal.
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Other places to find me (a.k.a. let’s be friends!):
today’s been a good day, and pandora is doing fairly decently on its music selection at the moment, and i could definitely be studying, but who in their right mind wants to study? so why not blog, i say? let’s just pretend that the three midterms i have to take this week aren’t really a thing…
{side note: no capitalized letters on this post because i’m not feeling it, so why conform to societal standards?}
recently i’ve come to this great realization that i. waste. so. much. time. {ha, and here i am blogging…don’t you dare say anything} but really. for one of my classes i had to record every time i use media for four days, and then do a media fast for 24 hours {so, so rough!}, and then for another one i had to record what i do with every minute of my life for a whole week {well, approximately}. consensus: i have a ridiculous amount of free time in my life, and i really can fit everything in my current schedule…except for the little tiny habit that i have of checking my phone every two seconds and sitting on facebook and instagram and all that loveliness. it’s quite disgusting how much time i waste. also, thank you general conference for the re-clarifying and refocusing. i’m so grateful for this past weekend – goodness, i needed all that so much. so, new life goal thanks to a variety of sources and some solid personal pondering: PRODUCTIVITY. and HARD WORK. and giving it my all. because you better believe i’m going to kill this semester so dead it won’t even know what hit it. i’m grateful for the affirmations this weekend from the Holy Ghost that i can do it, if i do it all through Christ.
{again, don’t say anything about me blogging when i could be studying, because there is a time and a place for everything, and in the past few days i’ve done decently better at limiting my general time-wasting, so i’m gonna let myself blog}
also, other news, i decided that i really like blogging, just for the fun of it, and i think it’s ridiculous to stress out about posting regularity, and having perfect content, and who even wants to think about SEO? um, not me…is that bad? anyway, i realized that i just love writing random things about random bits of life. so if you think it’s ridiculous…then you can just take a trip to a very far-away place where you never have to look at my rad posts ever again. like the north pole. because they probably don’t have wifi up there. so just go there.
i just really, really love writing, and being myself in my writing, and having a pretty place to put my writing, plus the occasional pictures i take. i blog because words are beautiful, and life is beautiful, and both of those should be celebrated. so there’s that.
in other news, today was good. i’m sitting here eating delicious chocolate chip cookies from my wardies, so that’s pretty great. plus today also involved spontaneous taco bell with Caroline, and some equally-spontaneous chocolate chip scones courtesy of Caroline, oh and i also got a call for a job interview which is pretty great and fingers double triple crossed it works out because this female over here is in serious need of some employment. and after i mention all the desserts i had today, the gym this morning was also pretty stellar haha. and i also had some fun experimenting with the “a beautiful mess” photo app this afternoon, so that was exciting…
an old photo from a good day…i was so exhausted when i took this picture, but it was new york, so who cares?this is henry, our basil plant. he’s the bomb. also some cactus plants that belong to caroline’s sister…i think?
and provo is barely creeping its way into fall, hallelujah! actually, i’ve decided that autumn is a much classier, much more refined way of saying it, so i’m trying to train myself to say that instead of fall. caroline and had a photo adventure on campus on the first day of fall, even though the trees weren’t quite all the way autumn-ish at that point.
because i literally cannot do anything serious in the world of posing…you would think caroline would’ve rubbed off on me by now…
so yeah, i’m a fan of flats and lip stick and striped dresses {somehow i’ve found myself in the possession of THREE striped dresses…yes, they are all different, i promise, even if my roommates sometimes don’t believe me. and they’re the best. my roommates and my dresses}.
yeah that’s life right about now. i’m quite enjoying the life of the provo world, off the fake, beautiful island, and far, far away from martha’s vineyard society. it was lovely for a summer, but i’m not going back to scooping ice cream anytime soon. now it’s on to thinking about next summer’s adventure…can i get a new york, anyone??
i’m grateful for stellar roommates, and an adorable apartment, and wonderful music, and a friendly ward, and attractive blonde gentlemen all over every single inch of BYU campus {i’m not even kidding…just come here and behold for yourself!}. this weekend was also a good one for turning over a new leaf in the contentment world. it’s way too easy to get into a funk where you wish you had a boyfriend or a fiance or a husband or a baby or a NYC apartment or a job or whatever the current desire is, but this weekend i was reminded that everything will happen in its own time, and there is a reason and a purpose for everything, so let’s just be patient for a sec. everything is quite very much under control, i promise. :) i’m grateful for peace, even when life doesn’t make sense and isn’t always quite at the level of working-out-ness that i wish it was at.
hugs and kisses, kids. if you stuck through the ramble, go buy yourself a slice of cheesecake.
T E S S 