let it go

let it go, let it go, let it go.

it seems like lately i’ve been saying this to myself over and over again. sometimes with clenched fists and deep breaths and little tiny tears trying to sneak their way out of my scrunched up eyes.

this is something i struggle with, this action of letting it go. letting go of hurt, of grudges, of feelings of being wronged. but this struggle is only human, right?

it hurts to be the second. the second priority. the second option. the second person to be called for comfort. sometimes i feel like i’m just halfway reliving about fifty sappy, passionate quotes on pinterest, and then it seems silly, but it’s the truth. no matter what form of relationship it occurs in, it hurts to be the second.

i keep struggling to find the line – really, really wanting to find the line – the line where i can say to myself, “it’s okay, you’re done now – it’s okay for you to leave these people behind. they’ve done too much. they don’t deserve your help or your friendship anymore.”

but yet, despite the hurt, i can’t get rid of the little voice of goodness whispering to me to let it go. just. let. it. go. 

i do need to be better at remembering. remembering is what will keep the cracks and tears from going deep. remembering that i can only control my own actions. i am in control of how i react. the other person involved may go and act in a way that i deem hurtful, but that’s their choice. and i really don’t think that most people act with malicious intent on a regular basis, so whatever they choose to do is whatever they feel is right.

so no matter how badly i want to want to punch some people in the face and break down in tears in front of them because of how they’ve treated me, or sometimes how they haven’t treated me, i need to remember to choose to just let it go. 

i need to put first in my mind the moments of kindness, and the words of encouragement, and the goodness that’s deeply rooted inside of people. that doesn’t mean that i’ll make the choice to put 100% of my emotional stock in certain people again, since there is a point where you need to make sure you’re safe and not continually throwing yourself into a toxic situation. but it does mean that i need to remember that life always sits better when you’re on good terms, when there is peace, and when you’re searching for the beauty in people instead of the faults.

i don’t want to blow this out of proportion, because these bothersome happenings don’t occur every day, and it’s not abusive, or anything scary. it’s just the accumulation of one little thing and then another, one week here and there, that adds up over time. but the fact that it’s only little things is all the more reason for me to let it go. these people aren’t bad people. at all. again, all the more reason for moving beyond the hurt.

these little things don’t really matter in the grand scheme of the world. let it go, let it go, let it go.

and at the end of the day, i want to be known for being the friend who forgave, the one who stuck through to the end and lasted beyond the stupid boyfriends and the icky spots and the times of being put second. i want to be known for being reliable, for being a constant, despite how the other party may act.

this whole let-it-go-thought-train reminded me the other day of part of the song “little wonders” by rob thomas. (to hear the whole song, which i highly recommend, since it’s a beauty, click this link >>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ1BdMtw_Q)

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain.

i need to let the “clarity define [me].” i need to find the peace in the situation, even if that means removing myself for a time. life will go on, and i’ll look back on past events without remembering specifics, but instead remembering how i felt. i want to remember feeling happy, and content, and joyful.

and though it’s a struggle, at the end of the day i’ve formed this determination to rise above and shake off the hurt. no matter how badly a part of me may want this to be the last time, i have a determination to forgive. i have a determination to allow those let-it-go whisperings to win over, leaving me free.