easing

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tonight I sat and watched the sunset—for probably the first time since moving to Kansas City. I’ve seen lots of sunsets obviously, but as far as I can remember I had yet to just sit and watch one until tonight.

which feels significant.

I watched sunsets on a regular basis when I lived in Utah— at the Y parking lot, on the mountainside in Lindon, from the window of my house, at Slate Canyon eating fresh Pillsbury biscuits, sometimes with people, sometimes by myself.

since moving here, I think I’ve been hesitant to breathe. I spent those first summer months tense, a little on the defensive, because adjusting was hard and it always felt a little bit like the world was out to get me. during the fall it was better— I eased in more and started letting myself gradually crack open. and during these last couple winter months it’s been even better. but the whole process has been one of telling myself that this is home.

watching the sunset tonight, I thought about the life I’m carving out here. how it’s a good life, but also a life that isn’t a final destination, which makes it harder to rest in. but I think teaching myself to rest in it is what I really need right now. even if Missouri is a stepping stone, learning to go deep and be present with all that is good here feels needed. sometimes even when you’re in a really good place, easing in takes a lot of time and a lot of emotions, but I’m learning to be okay with that.

this first sunset tonight was a moment of easing, and breathing. hopefully there will be many more in the future.

june

(written a couple weeks ago, when it was actually June)

Do you ever have a 5-second moment where you have a memory of a period of life that’s so vivid and sensory? Where you feel all that time of life was?

I keep having flashbacks to months ago, when I had no idea what life in June would feel like. Zero. I had some thoughts, and some hopes for what it would feel like, but really no idea.

I remember getting a fresh order of contacts back in the winter. I wear daily disposable contacts, so I got (I think) a 9-month supply. I also have a different prescription for each eye, so when I get a new order I like to open up all the little boxes and pair the right eye with the left so I can just grab a set when I need them. I distinctly remember sitting cross-legged on my bed at my house back in Provo, pairing my contacts together, and thinking about how some of these contacts were going to be experiencing life on my eyes in June, and how I had no idea what the life with those June contacts would be like.

And now it’s June. Almost July, actually.

I also vividly remember the morning of my interview with the agency that I’m at right now. (Lol, if any of my coworkers ever end up reading this, YES, this is a sentimental human you get to work with hahaha.) I skipped my stats class so I could take the call at my house, without anyone around, since all my roommates would be gone for the day by then.

My confident interview outfit consisted of my green Tweety bird sweatshirt and black leggings, with curled hair (RIP my all-over platinum blonde…give me 2 more weeks and you’ll be back!) and multiple rings on my fingers (because rings make me feel legit, idk why???). [blessings of a phone interview: being able to wear leggings and a sweatshirt. Also being able to talk with my hands as much as I possibly wanted to because no one could see me.]

And even back then, in February, I had no idea what June would feel like. Would June be in Kansas City? Or New York? Or LA? Or somewhere else entirely?

And then in March, Kansas City became a reality. So that’s what June would feel like.

It’s surreal now, sitting in June, almost in July, to think back on those days in the winter that were characterized by a lot of poignant emotions—uncertainty, hope, restlessness, the feeling of being on the edge of something mysterious that you know is going to define you in a way that nothing else ever has.

Being here was nowhere on my list of options 6 months ago. Nowhere on my radar at all. But I’m so grateful for the series of events and doors opening that led me here, because this place and this situation is perfect for me in a way that I would have never anticipated.

Life in June is really, really good. Also hard, and a learning process, but still really, really good.

the first days

the first few days here all felt a little foggy. I think part of that is because a 16-hour drive through Nebraska is enough to make anyone feel off, and the other part of it was transition overload. the stark reality of what I’d just done (leaving everything and everyone to move to a place where I knew nothing) was sinking in, and all the emotions felt blurry.

so if you ever move somewhere by yourself, give yourself 7 days where you might feel like you’re floating (not in the good way haha. kind of like you just took NyQuil.), but then I promise it’ll go away! and soon enough you’ll have a real mattress and a couch and a schedule and life will feel like life again.

[also, if you ever have to drive 16 hours through Nebraska, I highly recommend bringing your cool best friend. Aubrey saved my sanity.]

but foggy as they were, here’s what those first days consisted of (mostly for posterity’s sake):

– pizza on the floor. because what else do you do when you move into a new apartment?

– an air mattress on the floor.

– IKEA. In which I disrupted the flow of traffic at least twice and got in people’s way at least twice. But I left with a plant named Hugo and a sheepskin rug (actually idk what animal it’s supposed to be) that I named but later forgot what I named it, among other things, so it was a decently successful trip.

– Grimaldi’s. BLESSINGS that Grimaldi’s has a random KC location. Like, who just puts a Grimaldi’s in Kansas City???

– a rooftop. leave it to me and Aubrey to find a hotel rooftop deck with nobody on it.

– some tears.

– a really sad goodbye.

but even through the weird life-fog those first few days, being here still felt comfortable, and pretty okay, which was a blessing.

moral of the story: moving somewhere totally new by yourself is a weird experience. weird feelings. but get yourself some pizza and some patience with life, and then give yourself a few days and it gets better.

the last night

i moved! yay! to kansas city! yay!

if you think kansas city is a lame place, or that it’s in kansas, I’m here to prove you wrong. (well, half wrong. technically part of kansas city is in kansas. but not the downtown part, or the part with my office, or the part with my apartment.)

but I’ve only been here a week, and it’s good.

also, moving to a new city by myself is probably one of the hardest things I’ve done.

but.

the place and the life are good. and that’s what really matters. I’m so, so grateful to be here. & even though this is one of the hardest things I’ve done, it’s also one of the coolest. how often do we get to start over completely from scratch, knowing zero people, and zero things about the world you’re suddenly in? that’s pretty cool, I think.

one of the by-products of living on your own is that you have thoughts! or at least I do. lots and lots of thoughts! but I’m going to save those for another day because I’m behind and I can’t just move straight on to the Kansas City thoughts without paying my respects to Utah and my last night there.

so here are the respects:

Utah, you made the last 4 years of my life the greatest. a lot of it was actually you (mountains!), but most of it was your people. so thx, peace, blessings, I’ll be back to visit, take care of my friends, don’t let the Wasatch fault line have an earthquake, etc. etc. etc. bye!

and here are some photos from the last night in Utah, which was a trip to Saratoga Springs, because I always wondered what life looks like from the other side of the lake.