let it go

let it go, let it go, let it go.

it seems like lately i’ve been saying this to myself over and over again. sometimes with clenched fists and deep breaths and little tiny tears trying to sneak their way out of my scrunched up eyes.

this is something i struggle with, this action of letting it go. letting go of hurt, of grudges, of feelings of being wronged. but this struggle is only human, right?

it hurts to be the second. the second priority. the second option. the second person to be called for comfort. sometimes i feel like i’m just halfway reliving about fifty sappy, passionate quotes on pinterest, and then it seems silly, but it’s the truth. no matter what form of relationship it occurs in, it hurts to be the second.

i keep struggling to find the line – really, really wanting to find the line – the line where i can say to myself, “it’s okay, you’re done now – it’s okay for you to leave these people behind. they’ve done too much. they don’t deserve your help or your friendship anymore.”

but yet, despite the hurt, i can’t get rid of the little voice of goodness whispering to me to let it go. just. let. it. go. 

i do need to be better at remembering. remembering is what will keep the cracks and tears from going deep. remembering that i can only control my own actions. i am in control of how i react. the other person involved may go and act in a way that i deem hurtful, but that’s their choice. and i really don’t think that most people act with malicious intent on a regular basis, so whatever they choose to do is whatever they feel is right.

so no matter how badly i want to want to punch some people in the face and break down in tears in front of them because of how they’ve treated me, or sometimes how they haven’t treated me, i need to remember to choose to just let it go. 

i need to put first in my mind the moments of kindness, and the words of encouragement, and the goodness that’s deeply rooted inside of people. that doesn’t mean that i’ll make the choice to put 100% of my emotional stock in certain people again, since there is a point where you need to make sure you’re safe and not continually throwing yourself into a toxic situation. but it does mean that i need to remember that life always sits better when you’re on good terms, when there is peace, and when you’re searching for the beauty in people instead of the faults.

i don’t want to blow this out of proportion, because these bothersome happenings don’t occur every day, and it’s not abusive, or anything scary. it’s just the accumulation of one little thing and then another, one week here and there, that adds up over time. but the fact that it’s only little things is all the more reason for me to let it go. these people aren’t bad people. at all. again, all the more reason for moving beyond the hurt.

these little things don’t really matter in the grand scheme of the world. let it go, let it go, let it go.

and at the end of the day, i want to be known for being the friend who forgave, the one who stuck through to the end and lasted beyond the stupid boyfriends and the icky spots and the times of being put second. i want to be known for being reliable, for being a constant, despite how the other party may act.

this whole let-it-go-thought-train reminded me the other day of part of the song “little wonders” by rob thomas. (to hear the whole song, which i highly recommend, since it’s a beauty, click this link >>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ1BdMtw_Q)

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain.

i need to let the “clarity define [me].” i need to find the peace in the situation, even if that means removing myself for a time. life will go on, and i’ll look back on past events without remembering specifics, but instead remembering how i felt. i want to remember feeling happy, and content, and joyful.

and though it’s a struggle, at the end of the day i’ve formed this determination to rise above and shake off the hurt. no matter how badly a part of me may want this to be the last time, i have a determination to forgive. i have a determination to allow those let-it-go whisperings to win over, leaving me free.

closeness. and choice.

close.

reaching, reaching.

so close, but not quite touching.

that small amount of distance seems as wide as all the oceans and as vast as any cavern in the earth below.

a closeness of hearts and ambitions and intentions, very nearly aligned.

almost, almost.

closeness speaks of optimism, a testament of the days and tears of the process, of the journey.

but. closeness also speaks of absence, of a gap. because no matter what’s behind, there’s still that ever-present chasm in front.

so it comes down to choice.

there’s choosing to stop. choosing to let that closeness, that not-quite-all-the-way-ness govern my heart. choosing to succumb to the daunting pressure piled on top, all that is standing in the way of inching a foot forward.

or there’s choosing to close the gap, even if it’s on the last gasping breath. choosing to reach toward the light.

choosing to let the presence of “close” be a motivation, a nudge in the right direction, something that adds fire to the already-present longing.

onward, ever onward, forever in the cause of the close.

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this post was inspired by the wordpress daily prompt! http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/16/daily-prompt-close-2/ 

the existence of goodness

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“every day might not be good, but there is something good in every day.”

goodness exists. oooh you better believe it does. goodness exists in abundance.

think of how truly wonderful our world would be if everyone chose to focus on the goodness and the happiness and the beauty instead of the negatives and the sadness and the ugly.

so i guess that’s what i’m trying to do with this blogging thing. i’m trying to highlight the small, oh-so-good things in life as they exist amidst the troubles and turmoils that are equally present. i don’t want this to be a perfection blog. there are numerous blogs out there that portray life as if it is pure perfection, with perfectly decorated houses and perfect outfits and perfect vacations and, sorry, but this blog just isn’t like that. i love reading those blogs and being creatively inspired by whatever perfect things they feature, and i do believe that perfection is present in life, but i also understand that life is much more than that continual perfection, and i want to make sure i show that.

again, i want to portray the beauty and the perfection of life and highlight its existence, while at the same time recognizing that tears and hardships and the days where very few things seem to go right do happen.

and if you stop to think about it, those things that are perfect and beautiful and good are that way because of the things that are less than such. they go hand in hand. if everything was always top-notch, how would we be able to tell? it’s when life throws in some bad stuff that we’re able to truly appreciate the good.

so i’m going to say that life as a whole is wonderful. life is wonderful because of not in spite of – the bad times. the good and the bad fit together in such a way that is beautiful and inspired and necessary. that being said, it is when we praise and glorify and celebrate the good that we’re able to recognize the bad, and accept the bad, and keep it from steamrolling us quite so much. amidst darkness and troubles and living where it feels like a struggle to keep going until the next hour, or even the next minute, seeing the goodness can be our saving grace.

maybe this is all just nonsensical rambling. if it is, then oh well…rambling is what i tend to do best.

and if this is getting too deep, then i guess what i want to say, in more simple terms, is that you. can. be. happy. don’t let your bad circumstances define you. instead, acknowledge them, nod to them, recognize their importance and how necessary they are, and then promptly turn to the goodness and cling to it with all you have in you because that is what will get you through.

yes, this is hard to do, and i am a far far cry from being a master at it and always looking for the good 100% of the time, or even 75% of the time. life is hard. sometimes things come along that totally and completely knock you off your feet, and when you’re lying on your back it’s a tricky business to start looking for all the good around you. but! i speak from experience when i say that looking for the good makes all the difference.

so today, i’m reminding myself to search out the good, because i definitely need as much of a reminder as anyone else. i dare you to to join me. i dare you to be grateful for the storms and the tears, but i also dare you do search out the sunshine and the smiles and the light.

let’s celebrate the existence of goodness together.

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whew! i don’t usually get so wordy, so if you are reading this and you stuck through to the end, hugs and kisses and lots of love from me. thank you for humoring me and reading my rant/ramble/combination of the two!

the merits of bright lipstick

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in my closet i have a little drawer dedicated to makeup. the majority of the contents of the drawer are tubes of lipstick, leftover from a phase about six months ago when i felt the need to be bold and make a statement. i dabbled in the deep pinks and sultry reds and bright corals, spending probably far too much money in a short period of time on that particular tangible representation of my desire for uniqueness.

nevertheless, the lipstick phase has mostly passed. i tell myself i’m saving it all for when i live in a big city and everyone that i’ve known since childhood isn’t seeing me every day, wondering what in the world i’m doing with that unusually vibrant color on my mouth.

there are some moments, however, when the need for brightness on my lips comes back in full force, coaxing me into opening that closet drawer and digging around for something fun. just momentary whims that pop up when i’m feeling the need for added confidence and some sort of boldness.

so right now, at almost 2:00 in the morning, i’m curled up in bed typing this, wearing a very vivid pinkish-magenta shade of lipstick. because sometimes, no matter what time it is, you just need that little extra burst of uniqueness and slight flamboyance that says to life, ‘come at me. you can keep throwing out your best, and i can still get through it, because i am strong and capable and enough.”

sometimes change is hard. actually, a lot of the time change is hard. i’ve been discovering lately just how relatively unchanging my whole life has been up until recently. the past couple months have been full of thrown monkey wrenches all over the place.

i’ve been discovering lately how hard it is to see people you love grow increasingly distant from you – how hard it is to see them make choices and have to just sit there and pretend to be happy even though you want to shake them by the shoulders and ask them what in the universe they think they’re doing.

i’ve been discovering lately that coming to a crossroads in life can be both very exciting and very daunting at the same time.

so needless to say, the lipstick has come out of its little drawer a few times recently, because sometimes it somehow has the power to turn the ordinary into the magical and to elevate the rough spots so they don’t seem so bad.