sunset // easing

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tonight I sat and watched the sunset—for probably the first time since moving to Kansas City. I’ve seen lots of sunsets obviously, but as far as I can remember I had yet to just sit and watch one until tonight.

which feels significant.

I watched sunsets on a regular basis when I lived in Utah— at the Y parking lot, on the mountainside in Lindon, from the window of my house, at Slate Canyon eating fresh Pillsbury biscuits, sometimes with people, sometimes by myself.

since moving here, I think I’ve been hesitant to breathe. I spent those first summer months tense, a little on the defensive, because adjusting was hard and it always felt a little bit like the world was out to get me. during the fall it was better— I eased in more and started letting myself gradually crack open. and during these last couple winter months it’s been even better. but the whole process has been one of telling myself that this is home.

watching the sunset tonight, I thought about the life I’m carving out here. how it’s a good life, but also a life that isn’t a final destination, which makes it harder to rest in. but I think teaching myself to rest in it is what I really need right now. even if Missouri is a stepping stone, learning to go deep and be present with all that is good here feels needed. sometimes even when you’re in a really good place, easing in takes a lot of time and a lot of emotions, but I’m learning to be okay with that.

this first sunset tonight was a moment of easing, and breathing. hopefully there will be many more in the future.

 

june

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(written a couple weeks ago, when it was actually June)

Do you ever have a 5-second moment where you have a memory of a period of life that’s so vivid and sensory? Where you feel all that time of life was?

I keep having flashbacks to months ago, when I had no idea what life in June would feel like. Zero. I had some thoughts, and some hopes for what it would feel like, but really no idea.

I remember getting a fresh order of contacts back in the winter. I wear daily disposable contacts, so I got (I think) a 9-month supply. I also have a different prescription for each eye, so when I get a new order I like to open up all the little boxes and pair the right eye with the left so I can just grab a set when I need them. I distinctly remember sitting cross-legged on my bed at my house back in Provo, pairing my contacts together, and thinking about how some of these contacts were going to be experiencing life on my eyes in June, and how I had no idea what the life with those June contacts would be like.

And now it’s June. Almost July, actually.

I also vividly remember the morning of my interview with the agency that I’m at right now. (Lol, if any of my coworkers ever end up reading this, YES, this is a sentimental human you get to work with hahaha.) I skipped my stats class so I could take the call at my house, without anyone around, since all my roommates would be gone for the day by then.

My confident interview outfit consisted of my green Tweety bird sweatshirt and black leggings, with curled hair (RIP my all-over platinum blonde…give me 2 more weeks and you’ll be back!) and multiple rings on my fingers (because rings make me feel legit, idk why???). [blessings of a phone interview: being able to wear leggings and a sweatshirt. Also being able to talk with my hands as much as I possibly wanted to because no one could see me.]

And even back then, in February, I had no idea what June would feel like. Would June be in Kansas City? Or New York? Or LA? Or somewhere else entirely?

And then in March, Kansas City became a reality. So that’s what June would feel like.

It’s surreal now, sitting in June, almost in July, to think back on those days in the winter that were characterized by a lot of poignant emotions—uncertainty, hope, restlessness, the feeling of being on the edge of something mysterious that you know is going to define you in a way that nothing else ever has.

Being here was nowhere on my list of options 6 months ago. Nowhere on my radar at all. But I’m so grateful for the series of events and doors opening that led me here, because this place and this situation is perfect for me in a way that I would have never anticipated.

Life in June is really, really good. Also hard, and a learning process, but still really, really good.

what I needed it to be

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Tonight Aubrey and I went and got soda, and I told her all about visiting KC this past weekend for the first time. Then she said something along the lines of, “I’m so glad it’s everything you wanted and needed it to be.”

The last part of that sentence was so spot on— everything I needed it to be.

Moving to Kansas City was in no way part of my plan. It was NYC or die trying. But things fell into place so gracefully and suddenly KC became my plan. And I’m so grateful it did, because it’s definitely the right thing. But at the same time, I think I’ve needed some confirmation that KC is a place where I can really grow, and flourish (haha, to use the term from my positive psych class), and live, because it’s most definitely not NYC.

And yeah, (thankfully!) this past weekend was everything I needed it to be. KC is freaking rad. It has a vibe, it has cool people, it’s a legit city, it has cool architecture, it has art, it has good food, it has lots of trees and lots of green, it’s not completely flat (ha, the ignorance of someone raised in the west), and I can already tell it’s the kind of hidden gem that I live for.

So lately I’m grateful for a God with a plan that is greater than my own agenda, and also for tender mercies like a skyline and cool graffiti.

a graduate!

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I graduated today. yayyy!

I’m a sentimental person anyway, and endings make me especially sentimental. Without getting too long-winded, here are some thoughts I’ve had over the past few days. [and listen to THIS SONG if you want extra-sentimental vibes]

When I walked home on Monday after taking my last final ever, I passed a party at an apartment complex, and I felt suddenly like an outsider. It was almost the same exact feeling that I remember having while walking back to my apartment from freshman orientation the first night after I moved to Provo. Like I’m not quite a part of this life that everyone else is living. Super weird. In that moment on Monday I was so glad that I’m choosing to move, rather than staying where it feels comfortable.

Also, who even was I as a freshman haha? That person feels so foreign to me…I don’t even remember what I thought about or aspired to or anything. I’m so grateful for change and increased ambition.

And finally, I’m grateful for BYU. These past 4 years I’ve learned so much about myself, and about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and about the beauty of people, and about the richness that knowledge brings to life. BYU has given more than I ever expected it would, and in completely different ways than I anticipated.

Cheers to endings and beginnings!

reasons why today is awesome

1. sunshine
2. warm weather
3. almost March
4. great outfit
5. great boots
6. great jeans
7. cooperative hair
8. eyebrows
9. cooperative makeup
10. Mikelle brought me Swig
11. substantial food for lunch
12. there are actually other students here at work today, so I’m not just the lonesome little secretary surrounded by real adults
13. no class after work
14. it’s Friday!
15. I actually feel like being social today, which is way good, since I have to be social tonight, and feeling un-social is usually my typical daily mood {#introvertprobs}
16. I get to talk to Caroline Beth after work today
17. I actually have stuff to do at work
18. gym this morning
19. killer leg workout
20. seeing one attractive person at the gym today
21. seeing another attractive person at the gym also
22. everything bagel with cream cheese for breakfast
23. all the attractive men in the world were out and about on campus today {are you picking up on the common theme yet?}
24. optimism about the future…despite the despair that marriage prep class brings to me haha
25. the Tanner Building…enough said.
26. seeing people I know on campus
27. good music on the radio
28. talking to myself in the van
29. peanut butter
30. ice skating tonight
31. the Econ test is over! {at least until the next one…}
32. attractive Econ TA
33. Mikelle Beth Taylor is at work today!!!
34. water is always good
35. New York City exists in the world
36. reading through my blog archives and realizing that I actually had some deep stuff to say 2 years ago. I miss substantial writing. if you need something thought-provoking to read, my 18 year-old self had some good thoughts in this post {actually I think I was 17 when I wrote that one} and this post and this post.
37. I’m publishing a blog post!!! Which really does warrant ridiculous amounts of celebration. Let’s eat some oatmeal.

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