june

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(written a couple weeks ago, when it was actually June)

Do you ever have a 5-second moment where you have a memory of a period of life that’s so vivid and sensory? Where you feel all that time of life was?

I keep having flashbacks to months ago, when I had no idea what life in June would feel like. Zero. I had some thoughts, and some hopes for what it would feel like, but really no idea.

I remember getting a fresh order of contacts back in the winter. I wear daily disposable contacts, so I got (I think) a 9-month supply. I also have a different prescription for each eye, so when I get a new order I like to open up all the little boxes and pair the right eye with the left so I can just grab a set when I need them. I distinctly remember sitting cross-legged on my bed at my house back in Provo, pairing my contacts together, and thinking about how some of these contacts were going to be experiencing life on my eyes in June, and how I had no idea what the life with those June contacts would be like.

And now it’s June. Almost July, actually.

I also vividly remember the morning of my interview with the agency that I’m at right now. (Lol, if any of my coworkers ever end up reading this, YES, this is a sentimental human you get to work with hahaha.) I skipped my stats class so I could take the call at my house, without anyone around, since all my roommates would be gone for the day by then.

My confident interview outfit consisted of my green Tweety bird sweatshirt and black leggings, with curled hair (RIP my all-over platinum blonde…give me 2 more weeks and you’ll be back!) and multiple rings on my fingers (because rings make me feel legit, idk why???). [blessings of a phone interview: being able to wear leggings and a sweatshirt. Also being able to talk with my hands as much as I possibly wanted to because no one could see me.]

And even back then, in February, I had no idea what June would feel like. Would June be in Kansas City? Or New York? Or LA? Or somewhere else entirely?

And then in March, Kansas City became a reality. So that’s what June would feel like.

It’s surreal now, sitting in June, almost in July, to think back on those days in the winter that were characterized by a lot of poignant emotions—uncertainty, hope, restlessness, the feeling of being on the edge of something mysterious that you know is going to define you in a way that nothing else ever has.

Being here was nowhere on my list of options 6 months ago. Nowhere on my radar at all. But I’m so grateful for the series of events and doors opening that led me here, because this place and this situation is perfect for me in a way that I would have never anticipated.

Life in June is really, really good. Also hard, and a learning process, but still really, really good.

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what I needed it to be

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Tonight Aubrey and I went and got soda, and I told her all about visiting KC this past weekend for the first time. Then she said something along the lines of, “I’m so glad it’s everything you wanted and needed it to be.”

The last part of that sentence was so spot on— everything I needed it to be.

Moving to Kansas City was in no way part of my plan. It was NYC or die trying. But things fell into place so gracefully and suddenly KC became my plan. And I’m so grateful it did, because it’s definitely the right thing. But at the same time, I think I’ve needed some confirmation that KC is a place where I can really grow, and flourish (haha, to use the term from my positive psych class), and live, because it’s most definitely not NYC.

And yeah, (thankfully!) this past weekend was everything I needed it to be. KC is freaking rad. It has a vibe, it has cool people, it’s a legit city, it has cool architecture, it has art, it has good food, it has lots of trees and lots of green, it’s not completely flat (ha, the ignorance of someone raised in the west), and I can already tell it’s the kind of hidden gem that I live for.

So lately I’m grateful for a God with a plan that is greater than my own agenda, and also for tender mercies like a skyline and cool graffiti.

a graduate!

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I graduated today. yayyy!

I’m a sentimental person anyway, and endings make me especially sentimental. Without getting too long-winded, here are some thoughts I’ve had over the past few days. [and listen to THIS SONG if you want extra-sentimental vibes]

When I walked home on Monday after taking my last final ever, I passed a party at an apartment complex, and I felt suddenly like an outsider. It was almost the same exact feeling that I remember having while walking back to my apartment from freshman orientation the first night after I moved to Provo. Like I’m not quite a part of this life that everyone else is living. Super weird. In that moment on Monday I was so glad that I’m choosing to move, rather than staying where it feels comfortable.

Also, who even was I as a freshman haha? That person feels so foreign to me…I don’t even remember what I thought about or aspired to or anything. I’m so grateful for change and increased ambition.

And finally, I’m grateful for BYU. These past 4 years I’ve learned so much about myself, and about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and about the beauty of people, and about the richness that knowledge brings to life. BYU has given more than I ever expected it would, and in completely different ways than I anticipated.

Cheers to endings and beginnings!

reasons why today is awesome

1. sunshine
2. warm weather
3. almost March
4. great outfit
5. great boots
6. great jeans
7. cooperative hair
8. eyebrows
9. cooperative makeup
10. Mikelle brought me Swig
11. substantial food for lunch
12. there are actually other students here at work today, so I’m not just the lonesome little secretary surrounded by real adults
13. no class after work
14. it’s Friday!
15. I actually feel like being social today, which is way good, since I have to be social tonight, and feeling un-social is usually my typical daily mood {#introvertprobs}
16. I get to talk to Caroline Beth after work today
17. I actually have stuff to do at work
18. gym this morning
19. killer leg workout
20. seeing one attractive person at the gym today
21. seeing another attractive person at the gym also
22. everything bagel with cream cheese for breakfast
23. all the attractive men in the world were out and about on campus today {are you picking up on the common theme yet?}
24. optimism about the future…despite the despair that marriage prep class brings to me haha
25. the Tanner Building…enough said.
26. seeing people I know on campus
27. good music on the radio
28. talking to myself in the van
29. peanut butter
30. ice skating tonight
31. the Econ test is over! {at least until the next one…}
32. attractive Econ TA
33. Mikelle Beth Taylor is at work today!!!
34. water is always good
35. New York City exists in the world
36. reading through my blog archives and realizing that I actually had some deep stuff to say 2 years ago. I miss substantial writing. if you need something thought-provoking to read, my 18 year-old self had some good thoughts in this post {actually I think I was 17 when I wrote that one} and this post and this post.
37. I’m publishing a blog post!!! Which really does warrant ridiculous amounts of celebration. Let’s eat some oatmeal.

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Other places to find me (a.k.a. let’s be friends!):

Bloglovin’ >>> Life and Loveliness

Instagram >>> @tessabrynnk

Twitter >>> @tessabrynnk

Pinterest >>> Tessa Kohler

on rightness and trust + some photos around town

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{written last night}

Right now I’m sitting in my little four-person bedroom with bright pink walls, and pink bedspreads, and a couple more pink touches, so basically it’s an unreal amount of pink, with about fifty thousand fresh books tucked on the ground below me, under my bed, wearing a skirt and maybe some slight remnants of bright lipstick, and I’m in a reflecting mood. And Pandora’s killing it, so that’s pretty great too.

This evening, Caroline and I put on nice clothes for once and took a stroll around Edgartown in search of great photo spots, and really every time I step outside I have to pinch myself, but tonight was especially good. I’m living on a gorgeous island, with some amazing people, and that only scratches the surface. Blessings, goodness they’re everywhere! Lately we’ve all been talking a lot about random chains of events – things that seem so inconsequential at first but turn out to be something spectacular. This experience wasn’t anywhere close to my radar a year ago {heck, I didn’t even know that Martha’s Vineyard was a thing thanks to my limited world knowledge from growing up in Idaho}, and now I’m having the most incredible summer adventure I could have imagined with people that I hadn’t even met a year ago either. It’s quite something to see the pieces fit together. And I absolutely love being overwhelmed with a sense of rightness in the world.

And yet, I still find room to complain, which is ridiculous amidst all the blessings. I’ve added “COMPLAIN LESS” to my “Let’s Try to Be a Better Person” list because it’s so easy to let the negative pieces overshadow the breathtaking ones. In a way, I think all the writing I do here is part of that effort to counterbalance the negative. Here in the blog-world I just talk about all the wonderful bits of life – I just wholeheartedly gush about everything mostly out of awe and amazement and I have to let it out somewhere. But every life has rough patches, and sometimes those rough patches are more than patches, and I for 100% sure have plenty of all that. The complaining doesn’t quite make it here, because who wants to read {or write} negativity?! There’s enough negativity in the world as it is, I’m pretty sure. And for me, writing is a pretty decent wake-up call to help me realize the beauty when things get foggy on occasion.

Sometimes life is weird. And crazy confusing. Actually, lately it’s been quite confusing, although I think in the last week or so I’ve stumbled on some peace and clarity that I’ve been in search of for a while, and for that I’m grateful. It’s hard when you want something so bad and you have to learn that it’s just not meant to be, but I’ve been learning a lesson in humility and gratitude and trust in timing for the past year or so. Sometimes I’m still very stubborn, but I hope I’m getting better at giving my complete trust to my Father in Heaven in all things. All things. Because I know for a fact that He has everything under control, and He has a greater plan that is more spectacular than anything I could possibly imagine myself. And I’m finding that complete trust leads to complete peace.

Today I’m grateful for new friends, and old friends, a loving Heavenly Father, and a testimony that keeps me grounded, and this beautiful world that we all get to live in, and for all the tiny, magical details of this crazy life. I’m grateful for dreams of the future, and talks of New York City, and for ice cream every single day. I’m grateful for books, and cozy stores, and lipstick, and Taylor Swift, and sleep, and the ocean, and yogurt. And fruit and frozen lemonade and ice water. And air conditioning. Also, an organized freezer is pretty nice, along with a freshly mopped ice cream parlor floor.

I’ll just be a shameless broken record forever, but life is so beautiful.

And on the less-deep-side of the world, here are some more photos from our excursion around town!

Edgartown park

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And we went on a boat last week, so that was fun! I could do the sailboat life, I think.

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It’s a fun world we live in. Peace out until the next time I find myself in the library again.

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Other places to find me (a.k.a. let’s be friends!):

Bloglovin’ >>> Life and Loveliness

Instagram >>> @tessabrynnk

Twitter >>> @tessabrynnk

Pinterest >>> Tessa Kohler